My iPad, My Wrath

An iPad scuffle caught on camera:

I got an iPad for Christmas! Remember that editorial I wrote about only getting one present for Christmas? Turns out that’s A-OK if it’s an iPad. Tim certainly knows how to play this game.
I’m loving it. There’s only one thing that stands between me and full enjoyment of that iPad: my children.
There’s Fruit Ninja, Angry Birds and DoodleJump that call their name. However, this is a legitimate business write-off and the iPad will be used for conducting business correspondence only. Such as posting my high score for Fruit Ninja to the GTWoman Facebook page.
Well, I’m tired of the constant battle for my only Christmas toy, so I’ve decided to institute an “invitation only” rule. They cannot get on my iPhone or iPad without an invitation. You don’t invite yourself over to someone’s house, you don’t invite yourself to someone’s party, you don’t invite yourself on my iAnything.
Amazingly, this is working for me. I am shocked to realize they understand that it is mine (only thing, ever). Sure, they’ll lean into my shoulders, one on each side, while I’m on it, to the point that I can’t actually move my arms and operate it, but still, it is mine.
Or sometimes they’ll pick it up gently from the countertop, travel the harrowing four feet to the living room, hold it in their lap, and burn holes in the side of my face with their pupils.
But they do not OPEN the cover for fear of my wrath.
My wrath goes something like this: 
1. Head whips sharply. Works best if hair flips over forehead in erratic pattern.
2. Eyebrows shoot up. I did not just see you open that,did I?
3. Lips set. Pressure making lips disappear altogether into the face of fury.
4. Hand held out. Give it to me. Fingers stiff, death by Pinky.
5. Eyes bug out. Make eyes look as large as inhumanly possible. An alien force has entered their mother’s body and there is no accounting for what will happen next.
6. Silence.Deafening silence. My arm is starting to shake with anger (and effort), my eyes are drying out, but I’m enjoying myself. How ugly can I make myself look?
7. Stand-Off.At this point I’m having more fun than any iPad app. I’ve got a fair amount of improv theater invested in the moment and I’m in no hurry to end this. Let’s just see how hard they can push.
About now is when a banner alert beeeeep comes in. I pounce on the child and yank it from his hands. Momma has work to do, stand back!
Wait. Looks like there’s an update for Angry Birds.
Slide… App Store… updates… install …password… waiting… loading…  the blue bar….
Game on.
So. Who wants to play with Momma?

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